Sex After marriage

I did not wear a saree for my wedding night My parents had forgotten to buy an e tra saree for the night You know I hardly owned a saree before my engagement I was eighteen and I wore everything e cept a saree back then So as I was saying my parents had forgotten about the wedding night I mean they forgot about the saree The elders decided that I could wear a decent salwar kurta They wanted me to wear a new one I had one luckily A pink and white chiffon one I bought it very cheap Two hundred and fifty rupees or something Who is going to see that anyway It was night already I was asked to take a bath When I was washing myself my older aunt knocked on the bathroom door and if I wanted turmeric I said no I wore my pink and white chiffon salwar kurta and walked out of my bedroom The wedding night was arranged in my parents old bedroom I had no instructions I did not know what I was supposed to do I saw the older aunt and she gave me a silver tumbler full of milk Give this to him and fall on his feet seek his blessings I wondered why I did not want to look at anybody I walked towards my parents old bedroom I felt like the girl sent out of the classroom for talking too much I slid into the room He was sitting on the bed Waiting I gave him the tumbler I said I am supposed to fall on your feet I said that e pecting that he would say that s alright no need But he came closer and said now you can fall at my feet I did Because I was scared that he might tell someone that I did not do what I was supposed to do I sat on the other end of the bed and looked away from him I said that I did not understand why anyone would send me to his room just after the wedding Something did not feel right I wondered loudly what the logic was He said something I do not remember I remember he laughed loudly after he talked I never felt it was funny I still do not remember what he said He gave me a diamond ring and it reminded of what my aunt told me once It was customary to give the bride a gold coin on the wedding night she said When I asked her why she told me she did not know Maybe it was an advance to sleep with the groom I knew I would have to sleep with him I did not want it I did not know him I did not like him at all I badly wanted to open the door and run away But I was scared that everyone would get to know I said I was tired He switched off the light I lay down at the farthest side of the bed away from him When he moved on the other side of the bed I shivered It was then for the first time that I became conscious of my body It felt like a burden I wanted to escape it He put his hand across the bed towards me It felt heavy I tried to push it off The grip became stronger harder But I was scared to tell him that I didn t like it He asked me to take my clothes off I was not prepared for this I had never taken my clothes before a man I did not want to take my clothes off But I was scared whether he would tell the elders that I did not sleep with him that I did not do my duty I said in my lowest voice that I did not want to take off my clothes He shouted at me saying I cannot say such things He reminded me that it was my duty to have se with him When I did not respond he began to cry and shout saying how much he was looking forward for this day He added that he always imagined his wife as interested in having se with him He cried for a long time I got worried whether anyone outside will hear him I was scared of the scolding I would get I negotiated with him I said I will take off my kurta but not my pyjama He relented but only after I agreed that I will take off my brassiere too I slowly took off my kurta I did that in the slowest way possible hoping that he would leave me alone noticing how reluctant I was He kept looking at me At one point he grabbed my breasts I wanted to shout yell But I was scared whether someone would hear me I unhooked my brassiere and he told me that he knew I have done this before He said he knew no woman would unclothe herself on the very first day He pushed me onto the bed His body was heavy I tried to push him away He did not move I cried I cried again Suddenly he put his hand on my face and asked me to hush up I hushed up I was scared to raise my voice as I feared someone would hear me and they would scold me It has been si years since that day I am safe now I got a divorce after a year I have been trying to write about that day for really long time But I was scared that others would scold me if they came to know I do not know why I wrote this today now Perhaps the whole debate on whether one can kiss in public in Kerala is reminding me of what happened within four walls with the full sanction of society Or maybe because of the rape in EFL U Hyderabad where I read theories of liberation Or maybe because I know that this is not my story alone but the story of many who are still scared to shout because they are scared of others who would scold them if they raise their voice You woman Shout yell and be angry Let others hear you Let the sisters hear you Veena Vimala Mani is a research scholar in Humanities and Social sciences at IIT Madras