something funny sex story

 9 A man is in a hotel lobby He wants to ask the clerk a question As he turns to go to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast They are both startled and he says Ma am if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you ll forgive me She replies if your penis is as hard as your elbow I m in room 1221 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar What can I get you the bartender inquires I want 6 shots of Jagermeister responded the young man 6 shots Are you celebrating something Yeah my first blowjob Well in that case let me give you a 7th on the house No offense sir But if 6 shots won t get rid of the taste nothing will 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated ne t to an absolutely gorgeous woman They e change brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about se ual statistics He asks her about it and she replies This is a very interesting book about se ual statistics It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter By the way my name is Jill What s yours He coolly replies Tonto Kawalski nice to meet you 6 One night as a couple lay down for bed the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm The wife turns over and says I m sorry honey I ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh The husband rejected turns over and tries to sleep A few minutes later he rolls back over and taps his wife again This time he whispers in her ear o you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer His wife suggested that he should see a se therapist to talk about it but Bill indicated that he d be to embarrassed He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong What s wrong Bill she asked o you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer Oh Bill you didn t Yes I did My God Bill what happened I got fired No Bill I mean what happened with the pickle slicer Oh she got fired too 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her On doing this she lets out a sigh The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan From this the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral se saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn t want the man to be embarrassed The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies She choked 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side He puts the alligator up on the bar He turns to the astonished patrons I ll make you a deal I ll open this alligator s mouth and place my genitals inside Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute He ll then open his mouth and I ll remove my unit unscathed In return for witnessing this spectacle each of you will buy me a drink The crowd murmured their approval The man stood up on the bar dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator s open mouth The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped After a minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered The man stood up again and made another offer I ll pay anyone 1 who s willing to give it a try A hush fell over the crowd After a while a hand went up in the back of the bar A woman timidly spoke up I ll try but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing ne t to him The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says 7 foot tall 35 pounds 2 inch dick 3 pound left ball 3 pound right ball Turner Brown The small white guy faints The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy What s wrong The small white guy says E cuse me but what did you say The big black dude looks down and says 7 foot tall 35 pounds 2 inch dick 3 pound left ball 3 pound right ball my name is Turner Brown The small white guy says Thank God I thought you said Turn around 1 There was this couple who had been married for 5 years They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife Just think honey we ve been married for 5 years Yeah she replied Just think fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together I know the old man said We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago Well Granny snickered What do you say should we get naked Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table You know honey the little old lady breathlessly replied My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago I wouldn t be surprised replied Gramps One s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal